When facial grooming goes bad....

It started with No-Shave November. Every November Jake and his friends commit to a month long retreat from face maintenance. I'm pretty sure it started as a pay to compete event a couple years ago. Pay five bucks, don't shave for a month. At the end of 30 days the beards are shaved and weighed. He who can grow the most facial hair wins and all proceeds are given to the Humane Society to help feed the hairless cat that lives there. Clever, right?

More importantly, however, is that the winner gets to bathe in the glory of being the hairiest guy at Fort Mill High School for an entire year. Go ahead and laugh if you must. I did. But apparently this title is extremely sought after by the Y chromosome bearing youth of Fort Mill. There are even rules that must be followed to the letter, lest you wish to risk the humiliation of disqualification. At this point, I'd like to make reference to the trimming debacle of 2008. It seems that there is some debate over whether trimming one's beard actually stimulates the growth process. Beard trimming is to No-Shave November as steroid use is to to Major League Baseball. In 2008, Jake  lost his title to the Barry Bonds of facial hair. It was only after this champions crowning, that rumors began to circulate of his unscrupulous beard lengthening tactics. To this day, there are those who just WILL NOT accept him as that years victor. It is because of his misdeeds that the no trimming rule was added to the bylaws  before the start of last year's competition.

I tell you all this in order to give you a little background on what I am about to share with you. It is now December 10th and the thrill of No-Shave November has come and gone. Champions have been born. Legends have been made. Razors have been brought back out. Jake however, has still been growing the beard. I think that he has become immune to the thrill of being the most hairy. His competitive heart yearns for more. Like any well trained competitor he needs to up the stakes in order to maintain that high that some call winning.

And so his inner drive and determination takes him to the next level......

with a look I'd like to refer to as Redneck. Seriously, have you ever seen mutton chops of this magnitude? I have not taken out the ruler, but I do believe there is a good 2.5 inches from face to beard. And yes, that is a camouflage hat with a buck on it.

And then.....

my personal favorite. Dastardly Dan. At any minute I suspect Dudley Do-Right and his men will be showing up to arrest my son for tying Miss Loretta to the tracks. For like many gifted competitors, he can't ever get enough and has succumbed to the need for more and more adrenaline. He is like a junky looking for his next fix. And it is this insatiable need that has led him down this wanton path. My son, the baby that I once rocked to sleep, is sporting a curly cue mustache with wax holding the twisted ends as the train rumbles towards Miss Loretta.